Yarn people.

I hope you never have to work at Michaels. In case you don't know what it is, let me give you the scoop. It's the Costco of crafts and the mothership for the elderly artistic. What I hate the most about this store is the fact that you need NOTHING in it and yet they sell thousands and thousands of dollars of shit to people everyday. For a little more than minimum wage, I sell my soul there sometimes.

I can tell you many things. The clock parts are located on the left hand side of aisle fifteen. The patio paint is not located with the other paints and you can find it in the faux plant section. One of my supervisors has a woman mustache, she is awesome. On November first exactly, they bust out the christmas music so that by the time December comes, all Michaels employees want to bash their heads against the cheap christmas decor.

9AM saturday morning. Name tag, check. Khaki pants and black collared shirt, check. Hugest hangover ever, check. I clock in and proceed to lurk around the aisles and "put things away." "Alex to the front please," blares through the storewide speakers. Fuck. Now I have to cashier, which sucks because you actually have to interact with all the spores. Michael's has a special lady who does demos and birthday parties and she is waiting for me at the front. She tells me that she has a birthday party booked at the same time as the front of the store demo. Oh god! Crisis! She informs me that I will be filling in to do the "yarn people" demo this morning. WHAT!!!! WHY ME!!??!!?? I am not qualified (nor well enough at the moment) for this.

I am nauseous. I'm sitting in the back room and this woman Christine is showing me how to make these retarded yarn people. You wrap yarn around two popsicle sticks and a piece of cardboard to create "people." There are instructions on how to make the mother, father, and children yarn people. I give out little brochures with the reasons to make yarn people.

Why make yarn people?

They're fuzzy and cute.
They're much softer and more flexible than your average pet rock.
If your parents or landlord won't allow you to have a pet, they can't object to a yarn person!
They make nice good luck charms.
They don't mind tagging along wherever you go.
They don't object to your taste in music. At least, not out loud.
They're non-judgemental.
They're fun to hang out with.
They can keep a secret.
They make fun gifts for friends.
They honestly couldn't care less if you haven't brushed your hair all day.
They don't take up much space.

Wow whoever made that brochure needs to die or (at least get some real friends). SO here I am sitting at the front of Michael's with my little table and chairs set up making these stupid dolls. I keep fucking them up, and they look deformed. I feel dizzy.I don't vom though, this is good. Many customers ask questions and seem intersted. God really? I stare off into space... I know that I am headed for a better life. One day I will not have to compromise my soul for a small paycheck. I will laugh at the days when I was once pimp of the yarn people.

Later that day... My shift is almost done I am slinking around the aisles wasting time. Two middle aged Mexican guys approach me and say, (this will be in head forever) "The head of my giant jesus statue broke off... What kind of glue do I need to reattach it?" What the? Gorilla glue. Is the fact that the statue is jesus and giant relevant??? I do not love my job today. I kiss my car when my shift is over, and think, pray for that better life.

I guess what gets me the most though is that these idiots don't know what an apostrophe is...