Not toothpaste

I was innocently going to brush my teeth. I put the toothpaste on my toothbrush and start brushing. I soon realize that this is not toothpaste. I spit it out and violently start scrubbing my mouth. It was that Icy Hot muscle numbing cream. It comes in a toothpaste tube now? SICK! I guess it must belong to someone else in the family. But seriously the packaging is the same shape and colour and toothpaste. It was laying on its and looked EXACTLY like toothpaste. I think they should be sued for confusing people who are not drunk and just trying to brush their teeth. I have scrubbed it all off but still it's tingling. Me and my numb ass mouth are very pissed.

What a special night. This must happen to lots of people right??? I remember a news story from a long time ago where some lady who put super glue in her eyes instead of contact solution and won millions of dollars in court after she sued the super glue company. I guess having a numb mouth temporarily isn't quite the same basis for a lawsuit as having your eyes super glued shut. I'm going to write in huge letters across this tube, "NOT TOOTHPASTE" to prevent any more future victims. Mostly myself.

On a side note. Earlier today I was in pool with my "kids" and the obese family beagle who hates water. I joking asked the dog if he wanted to go swimming. He looked at me and right then and there threw up something that looked like yellow moldy tomatoes on my feet. Now I have dog barf feet and a numb mouth. Sexy, I know.

&hearts Ovaries

The royal wedding was lovely. Honest. But princess beatrice shows up wearing this!? Sweet jesus. It looks like ovaries!





Obama and his administration loved the hat so much that he made everyone else get hatz too. They wore them to the royal blowing up of Osama Bin Laden. April was such a great month.

Now I want one. Oh wait. No I don't. Who the hell wants an ovary hat? Oh shit, it sold for $ 131,000 on E-bay. Maybe whoever bought it is infertile and thinks that by wearing this hat while having sex- the royal fertile god will channel through the ovary hat and produce a child. That's the most likely explanation really. At least the hideous piece of crap supports charity. The money was donated to unicef. The designer of the hat described it as..."unique sculptural celebratory headpiece." Whatever ovary pervert hat maker.

Lucky grandpa/ fat ass biking.

I have a fabulous road bike in San Diego. My grandpa (grampy) won it in some grocery store drawing and gave it to me. I was thrilled. My cousins grandpa (we share grandpa #1, not #2) is a bike snob. Grampy and Grandpa #2 disagree about the quality of the bike. They make this disagrement vocal over family dinners, holidays, ect. The argument is usually something like this:

Grampy: Are you crazy!? That is a gorgeous bike
Grandpa #2: That is the biggest piece of crap I have ever seen! They don't even make bikes crappier then this! Look at how heavy it is! It probably came from some slave labor factory in China!
Grampy: Open your eyes John! It's a fabulous and stunning bike.

They continue to argue for a long time. Then they both get pissed off and don't talk much during dinner. This has been going on for two years. This bike has become a source of tension. I feel torn. I feel sad that bike snob grandpa is insulting my bike that I do love so much. But he does know everything and anything about bikes. Whether or not it is a piece of junk- it looks beautiful and rides great. I ride 20-40 miles a few times a week on it. We are training for the fourth of July run and ride! Bike snob grandpa should leave the bike alone. Maybe it is shitty compared to his $5000 bike that he always talks about. But I don't care. I love my bike anyhow.

Since I have been away at school this past year Grampy has also won a vespa in a grocery store drawing! WTF. He gave it to my cousins. Double WTF. They are seven and ten. Okay, well the vespa is kinda little- but still. What do they need it for? I guess the better question is why does my grampy keep winning all this cool shit in grocery store drawings? Maybe cause no one else enters them? I'm going to start. Maybe I will win a pony! Herez me below. Being hot is hard. OOPS forgots my helmet!










I <3 Biking.